After the Fire
by BR125
Summary: Post Episode for 6 x 11 Under Fire The air was thick with smoke, the sound of shattering glass and the loud creaks and moans of a building on the precipice of collapse. All a back drop to the endless loop in her head, threatening to break her... It's your fault, you sent them in there, if they die, it is your fault. *Complete


_**AN: This is my first fanfic, so please be kind. After watching last night's episode, I was intrigued by the obvious guilt Beckett was feeling about sending the boys to that building. I want to give special thanks to Flashpoint33 kjf3333 and Tshlw for your insights, encouragement and beta skills**_. _**I do not own Castle, the characters etc., add in all the other usual disclaimers here. **_

She stumbled through the door, and carelessly tossed her keys and badge in the bowl on her left. Exhausted, she exhaled a heavy sigh. She toed off her heels; took the moment to just breathe. Castle had left the precinct before her, but not without a considerable amount of prodding on her part. Only after providing him with reassurances that she was fine and would be home soon, he begrudgingly gave into her request.

_She watched as he eased into his coat, his fingers threading each button painstakingly slow. She was aware that he was delaying his enviable departure in hope that she would leave with him. She stood up to place a chaste kiss to his lips, their eyes meeting for a split second, and she knew he saw it. The toll this day had taken on her, his ability to always be able to read her so well, still astounded her. She wasn't fine, but she needed time alone, a habit she hadn't been able to let go of, even after all this time._

The loft was quiet, the almost inaudible click of the front door shutting the only sound. Her eyes took a moment to adjust to the darkness. The single source of illumination a faint warm glow coming from the small lamp on the living room table. The one Castle always left on for her when she works late. She can't help the slight smile that tugs at the corner of her lips. How grateful she is to have someone who loves her so much, to finally be happy. Inhaling a deep calming breath, her eyes slowly scan the room. She takes in all the pieces of herself that have been slowly but surely turning his loft, into their home. The crystal elephant her mother gave her as a child, displayed on the table behind the sofa. A streetlight shining through the large loft windows hit it in such a way it causes a prism of rainbow colored light to dance across the surface. The various photographs of them she had been secretly keeping, locked away safe in the back of her closet. Reminders she sought in her most difficult times. Glimpses of what could be, why she was working so hard, healing. Too soon to admit how she felt for him. The images, pieces of their story, their journey to get to where they were now, beautifully framed. Everywhere a piece of her blending seamlessly, like it was always meant to be.

Her eyes finally come to rest on the door to their bedroom. Her body urged her to just climb into bed, forget the events of the day, but her restless mind kept her rooted in place. She longed to immerse herself in his warmth, his love. To let it wash over her till she forgot how close she came to losing her team, her friends, her family, the painful reality that it would have been her fault. The steady rise of sheer panic and paralyzing guilt that had struck her the moment she realized the boys were in the building. She desperately needed to shed some of the tension thrumming through her. She rolled her shoulders, twisted her neck side to side. Her vertebrae popping and cracking, a cacophony of sounds so eerily similar to the fire, her treacherous mind drew her back.

_She helplessly watched as the flames consumed the building, the strength and pure vehemence of the fire engulfing every floor. The air was thick with smoke, the sound of shattering glass and the loud creaks and moans of a building on the precipice of collapse. All a back drop to the endless loop in her head, threatening to break her... It's your fault, you sent them in there, if they die, it is your fault._

A clap of thunder off in the distance and the gentle ping of rain against the large windows forced her back to the present. She made her way toward the office. Her steps heavy, the immense weight of the day bored down on her, slowing her progress. She typed the code into the safe, released the snap on her holster, and slid the gun free. As she held the heavy weight of the steel in her hands, she realized in that moment, if the boys had died tonight, regardless of the consequences, she would have pulled the trigger.

The realization hit her with overwhelming force. Her free hand reached behind her and grasped the edge of the desk. Her eyes slipped closed as she breathed deeply, in and out, trying to calm the thundering beat of her heart. It had taken her a long time to reach this point, her heart open, so many years locked behind walls to keep it safe. Its condition left too fragile after her mother's murder to withstand any further heartbreak.

On days like today, a small part of her longed to rebuild those walls, the protective shield around her heart. Understanding all too starkly, letting people in, the possibility of losing another loved one, was too much to bear.

She shoved her gun in the safe, slammed the door shut, a vain attempt to quiet her thoughts. How easy it would be to just close herself off and rebuild her walls. Turning her back away from the safe she leaned heavily against the wall. She felt her chest tighten as her breath became labored. All of her thoughts, the events of the case, merged together, pressed down on her, resulting in an overwhelming desire to run.

A sudden flash of lighting illuminated the room and dispatched the darkness. In that brief moment just before the light faded away, her eyes caught the edge of a frame. Knowing exactly which photograph was contained within its borders, she pushed off the wall. Her steps feeling lighter than they were earlier, her breathing began to even out, the tightness in her chest abating. She reached up and lifted the photo off the shelf, the lamp in the living room casting just enough light to make the image visible.

She ran her fingers lightly around the edge, her lips turned up in a slight smile, her eyes roaming over the image lovingly. Their impromptu engagement party at the Old Haunt, how lost she had felt just that morning. Losing her job with the AG's office had been a blow, but as she scanned the photograph, she couldn't help but think this is where she is supposed to be. She could make out familiar faces in the background, men and women who everyday put their lives on the line to keep the city safe. Her arm slung low behind Castle's back, his draped across her shoulders. Lanie and Espo to her left, Jenny and Ryan on Castle's right, a glass of champagne firmly clasped in everyone's hand, smiles on their faces. They have all been through so much together, a strong bond forged over murders, late nights and coffee, they are her family.

Carefully placing the photo back on the shelf, her eyes drifted to the photograph on her right. Thanksgiving, Alexis, Martha, her father, Rick and herself in costume. She feels her face crack into a full smile, one born of pure happiness. Another holiday she never thought she would celebrate again. This time of year used to always be a reminder of all she had lost, but now, she can only see all that she has gained.

Drawing her eyes away, she turned. Her footfalls barely a whisper on the hardwood as she made her way through the office, crossed the threshold into their bedroom. Quietly she entered the room, headed to her dresser; behind her she could hear the steady rise and fall of Castle's breath, the familiar rhythm soothing.

Reaching out to turn on the small lamp, her gaze falls to her rings nestled in the small open jewelry box. She swipes her thumb over the smooth metal, so cool to the touch. One a harsh reminder that life is precious and it should be treated as such, no one's tomorrows are guaranteed. The other a symbol of her future, what lays ahead, all the possibilities; children, school plays, grandchildren, all the dreams she had long given up on that cold January day.

A low mumble followed by the sound of a smooth glide across cotton roused her from her musings. Gently placing the rings back into her jewelry box she turns, her feet moving her towards the bed, her body taking over for her mind, as though it knows exactly what she needs.

The rain had stopped and the glow from the moon shining in from the window fell softly on his sleeping form. Creating shadows that danced across the sheets, and she can't seem to draw her eyes away.

This is her reason not to run, or to resurrect the walls around her heart, this man who has never left her side. He had scratched and clawed his way in, knocking out every brick in her wall as quickly as she replaced them. Opened her heart to possibility of magic, mysteries not yet discovered or explained away by logic. He has given her a family by sharing his and opened her eyes to the one that had already existed in the form of her colleagues, long before he bulldozed his way into her life.

Most importantly he's shown her love, true devotion, understanding, and acceptance. True love is never perfect, but rather it's the ability to see that persons imperfections perfectly. That opening your heart to the joys of life also opens it up to the pain. Letting people in, laying your heart in their hands, has not been an easy path for her. But living, loving, being loved in return, means no longer having to stand alone. In the secluded quiet of their room, her mind falls back to his words. Words delivered at a time when a loss she could not fathom, one she's not sure she would have been able to survive, hits her with sparkling clarity;

"Sometimes the hardest things in life are the things most worth doing."

**_Additional AN: If you would like to follow me on twitter you can do so at Pak_321 I also have an additional twitter account where I use the quotes to recreate the scene from the show, twitter sized. You can follow that at Castleficlets_**


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